Dear Regimental Sergeant Major Anderson,
I am writing to you as the upholder and enforcer of the extremely high standards of dress within this squadron. As such, I humbly request your permission to wear a moustache from the 1st day of November, two thousand and nineteen in the year of our Lord.
Queen's Regulations state "if a moustache is worn, it is to be trimmed and not below the line of the upper lip". I therefore propose to commence growth of this facial accoutrement from the 1st day of November two thousand and nineteen. I will parade myself and my moustache before you no less than one month thence, when I shall request your approval of its turnout and bearing.
The Military Moustache has been a staple of the British Army officer throughout the centuries and has sadly fallen into disuse in recent years. Famous wearers of moustaches in days of old include George V, General Anthony Melchett and Lord Herbert Kitchener. Furthermore, from 1860 to 1916 it was British Army law that soldiers of all ranks must wear a moustache.
Furthermore, this endeavor is not merely for selfish purposes. As you will be aware, the "Movember" appeal is enormously popular, and one that raises money for a very worthy cause. I shall therefore use the growth of the moustache to raise money for charity.
In order to ensure the approval of my moustache and to make a measured decision I propose to you three courses of action. I believe this will enable me to produce the best possible style of facial hair, as all possible avenues will have been explored.
Number one: The Pencil is a common moustache that is fairly easy to grow. It is a quick solution for the requirement in question. However, it is not regarded with much respect due to the lack of difficulty in growing one.
Number two: The Walrus was fairly popular amongst the officers of the army during the Victorian Age. It carries great weight and is highly respected by all who behold it.
Number three: The Toothbrush is not hugely popular in this day and age and is best avoided.
I would be proud and honored to wear a moustache with your permission.
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Co-author credit: Daniel Hunter
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